Thursday, March 26, 2015

My Last Baby

“But the last one: the baby who trails his scent like a flag of surrender through your life when there will be no more coming after - oh, that's love by a different name. He is the babe you hold in your arms for an hour after he's gone to sleep.... you rock by the window, drinking the light from his skin, breathing his exhaled dreams. Your heart bays to the double crescent moons of closed lashes on his cheeks. He's the one you can't put down.” The Poisonwood Bible
     Why is this so hard?  I am thrilled to be done.  Overjoyed even!  I hate... fervently HATE being pregnant.  And I do not like breastfeeding either.  I adore toddlers and preschoolers, but I've never been a big fan of the newborn/infant stage.  The idea of getting past the baby stage is..uh, was..so exhilarating.  But I'm starting to mourn.  I'm starting to realize this is it.  No more babies.  No more cradling, cooing, baby giggling, tiny cuddles. And that look he gives me.  Oh my goodness, the look!  His eyes pierce my soul and his smile melts my heart.  I can't ever imagine feeling this kind of overwhelming devotion and love for anything else.

     He is only 4 months old and I feel it is all going by way too fast.
     Slow down little guy.  Please slow down.
At least I am aware of it.  At least I am stopping for a few minutes each day and cherishing my sweet baby boy.
     He is my last.
It makes me happy to move on to the next stage of life, but it is terribly excruciating to know that this precious part of motherhood will be gone so soon. At this point, I am what makes his sweet face brighten up.  He loves me completely and unconditionally.
     Such a miracle.
Every day I thank my Heavenly Father for my family.  But right now, in this moment, I just want to freeze time and hold my baby Des longer.
     I hope Heaven is a place where we can re-live these wonderful moments.  I really do.