Saturday, January 3, 2015

That AWFUL Day When I Couldn't Be A Mom

     For a little while I didn't think I would make it.  Honestly.  About 2 weeks ago I had the biggest meltdown I've ever had.  I was at home with my three children: a sassy little 4 year old girl, an energetic tantrum-ridden toddler girl, and my 2 week old newborn baby boy.  My husband had gone back to work, so I was on my own.  And I don't ask for help.  Even when its offered by generous friends, I don't often accept help.  It isn't about feeling bad or about being afraid of help.  I have always been a stubborn fighter.  I don't like to feel like I can't handle things on my own.  I have an overwhelming urge for independence and self-reliance.  Dumb, I know.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with accepting help.  Especially when you really need it.  I needed it! But ya know...I'm stubborn.

     One day it was all just too much.  You know that day.  The day when you can't function because you are crying too hard.  The day when you look back at your life and think, "What happened?"  The day when you want to run away and never be heard from again.  I called my husband balling and saying he needed to come home because, "I can't be a mom anymore!"  He let me cry and vent.  If I had pushed it, he would have come home, but I didn't.  I am stubborn and I didn't want to feel like I needed his help.  So I hung up the phone and went back to my crazy day.  I cried on and off all day long. ---

The baby needed to be fed, I cried.
My toddler's diaper needed to be changed, I cried.
My girls started to fight, I cried.
Sometimes for no reason at all, I cried.

     Breastfeeding had been very rough.  The overwhelming pain and suffering felt like it would never go away.  I wanted to give up. But I fought and I fought hard.  I grit my teeth through the pain and tears, while my screaming girls tried to kill each other over the My Little Pony sitting on the couch next to me.   I couldn't move.  Partially due to pain, and partially due to being "stress-paralyzed"...yes, that is a thing. ;) (Name that reference in the comments below.)

     I was at the end of my maternal rope! I finally decided to ask for help, and I prayed.  I prayed several times throughout that day.  I asked God to make the pain to go away.  I asked for the girls to just be quiet!  I asked for the comfort that I was going to make it without being the worst mom in the world.  I asked for a lot that day.  Cry, pray, feed baby. Repeat.
     That day will NEVER be forgotten.  It was a low point in my life.  I had never before really questioned motherhood.  That day I did.  I was ashamed of it at first, but my prayers were answered with the comfort that those days are completely normal.  It does not mean we are bad mothers and it doesn't mean we are weak or can't handle life.  It means we are delicate human beings with physical and emotional reactions.  These things are what allow us to learn and progress.  When we make it through those days, we do come out feeling stronger.  The week after that day, I took all three of my kids out by myself and let me tell you...I felt like a super hero and like I could conquer the world.  Just going for a drive and knowing that I made it through that awful day, gave me so much confidence and satisfaction.
Photo credit: Abinante Photography
     This is my little Desmond ("Baby Des").  This beautiful boy is so precious.  His sweet smiles and cuddles remind me that all the awful days are worth it.  I can do this! We all can do it.  We just need to remember that it's okay to crumble sometimes, and it's okay to ask for help.